A chance to reflect.

So, how did we get here? Here it is January 13th 2008 (wow 2008??) I can’t believe how rough the last 7 ½ months have been. I am amazed at how time has flown by. After Payton was diagnosed on June 1st, it feels like he is all that we have been fixated on. We have been so focused on taking care of him, that I don’t know where 2007 went. It’s amazing the love that we have for our kids; I would do anything that it would take to get him better. Life is crazy, this is definitely a challenge that I thought I would never have to go though. You always hear of people getting cancer, but I always thought it happened to other people, not us. I was talking to my mom the other night and telling her that at first when Payton was diagnosed, I was mad; I didn’t want to take pictures, nor write about it. Now I am wishing that I would have recorded more. I really have my sister to thank to get me started.

The day that we found out that Payton was diagnosed was the worst day of my life. I remember how it first started; Payton was just running a low grade fever that persisted. Not sure why but I continually kept taking him into the doctor, 3 doctors to be exact. I guess it’s that motherly instinct. I remember now driving him to the Cooks Insta Care second guessing what I was doing. Then when I was told that he had a stomach bug and sent home, I was wondering if I was worrying too much. I remember that he was still fevering the next morning and taking him back to the pediatrician and she decided to order some blood work, she did a thorough exam and thought that his liver felt just a little enlarged, but said that could just be the cause of a bad virus. I remember going over to Quest to get Payton’s blood work done and I just couldn’t stop crying. At that point I felt that something was wrong. I remember driving home and praying to the Lord; please don’t take away my son, he is everything to me.

We went back to the pediatrician a day later and all of Payton’s blood work showed up fine, our doctor had made an appointment with Cooks for Payton to have an Ultra Sound and she decided to move the appointment up. Chad was due to go out of town and so I was glad she was able to move up the appointment, since I didn’t want to do this alone. I had just enrolled Savannah is swimming lessons and really didn’t want her to miss the first week, so I had Chad take Payton to Cooks and I took Savannah. I remember crying there and again pleading with the Lord; to not take my son. I drove home from swimming and not having heard from Chad yet, it really concerned me. I finally got home and got the horrifying call; Emily you need to get up here as quick as you can. I replied what is it? Chad said they need to run some more tests and I think that you better come. That’s when he told me about Payton’s Tumor. My heart sunk, I felt like the air that I was breathing was sucked right out of me.

I immediately ran and grabbed my neighbor and asked if she would take me, since I knew that I couldn’t drive in my condition. I got back on the phone with Chad on the way to the hospital and he informed me that Payton had, what was called a Wilm’s Tumor. I hadn’t even heard of a Wilm’s Tumor before. He then told me that it was Cancer. The dreaded word that nobody ever wants to hear. I again felt like the air was sucked right out of me, I could hardly breathe. What would be Payton’s prognosis? Would my son make it? Payton is only two how could this be? I remember pleading again with the Lord and telling him; Payton is everything to me, please don’t take him away. I finally got to the hospital just in time for Payton to go in for some more scans. Chad and I could barely hold it together. Looking at our son and wondering what the future would hold for us.

We then had an appointment with Dr. Bowman our oncologist. It wasn’t for another 2 hrs or so, so I remember going to the cafeteria and holding Payton, I couldn’t even hold it together. So much was running through my head. It was the longest two hours of my life. It was finally time to walk over to the clinic and my sister Jennifer was coming to meet us. I remember that it was the longest wait in that waiting room. I remember looking at all these little bald headed kids and I could barely hold it together. My sister arrived and she said I want you to remember this moment, there will be a day when you will be coming here and it will be over. Finally we were called back and met Dr. Bowman for the first time. I could barely hold it together; Dr. Bowman talked to us about Wilm’s Tumors and told us that Payton would need to be in for surgery on Tuesday. It was a Friday, so that was in 4 days. How do you prepare yourself for something like that? It was the longest drive home that afternoon. What would Payton’s Histology be? How would his Cancer be staged? Had it spread? It was a horrible feeling and I remember going home and hardly being able to sleep that night.

I was trying to hold it together the best I could for my family; I remember getting in the shower and falling apart. My mom came in that Sunday and we had appointment lined up for Monday with Dr. Black whom would be our surgeon. Tuesday finally came the day of Payton’s surgery and what an awful day that was. I remember that only one of us could take Payton back and I told Chad that I would do it. I remember rocking him back and forth holding him so tight, wondering how I was going to ever be able to let him go, knowing what he was going to have to go through. I then felt the most peacefully calm feeling that was so direct say; I am here with you and I will be by Payton’s side, I will not let anything happen to him and I will be guiding the surgeon’s hand. That gave me the strength to go through with what I knew had to be done. That is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. The surgery lasted about 4 hours and part way into it, we got a call saying that everything was going smoothly. It was a horribly long wait and finally we got to see Payton. Payton had a nasogastric tube down his throat which he hated. I remember seeing his big long incision for the first time and feeling just awful. It didn’t take Payton long, before he started running around and we could barely keep up with him.

What heartbreaking news it was to hear that the stage 1 favorable histology turned into unfavorable histology and stage 2. That was an awful phone call to receive from Dr. Bowman. That meant that Payton would have 30 weeks of chemo and Radiation instead of just the 19 weeks of chemo we were originally told. That also dropped Payton’s prognosis down again, but not my faith.

Radiation was horrible, I remember taking Payton daily and crying the whole time he was there. What a horrible, horrible, rough road we have been down as I look back. So here we are today. Can’t believe that we have got as far as we have. What have I learned from this? Life is precious. Life is hard, but we agreed to come here and accept whatever challenges that we are to face. This hard experience has given me even a stronger testimony and total faith in God. We never know when it is our time to go, it has taught me to; Not say mean or hurtful things to your loved ones, Live each day as it is your last, Spend good quality time with your kids and family, Don’t ever go to bed without kissing your kids even if they are asleep, they know. Don’t walk away mad and treasure every moment of every day. Try to live a Christ like life. Oh and remember not to threat about the small things in life. I feel so blessed to have two wonderful kids that I love and adore.