Payton's 1 Year Anniversary!

It’s hard to believe that today marks Payton’s 1 Year Anniversary of the day we found out he had cancer. It’s hard to believe that we were just taking him in for an ultra sound exam and ended up with such devastating, horrible shocking news. I remember getting the horrifying call from Chad that I better hurry up to the hospital, that something was wrong with Payton. I remember hearing the horrible words that he had cancer. I remember seeing him for the first time after hearing this and grabbing him so tight while tears streamed down my face. I remember the long wait in the cafeteria while we waited to meet with Dr. Bowman. I remember the clinic waiting room and watching all the bald headed little kids running around and feeling really scared. I remember meeting with Dr. Bowman and feeling such fear and anxiety of not knowing what the outcome would be. I remember the long painful drive home and the fear that I felt in wondering if I would lose Payton. I remember the hurt and pain that I felt the next morning I awoke and wondered how on earth we could ever get through this. I remember looking at Payton and wishing that I could take his place. Why him and not me?

As I sit here now, it feels like this past year has flown by and yet at the time it felt like it would never end. I felt like we stopped living and that our lives were put on hold. Our full attention was in the moment. I have seen the fear and hurt in the eyes of our family, friends and those who have desperately wanted to help. It has been a big psychological change for us all. What we never thought we could get through and what turned our lives upside down- well, all that has become a normal part of our everyday lives.

We move forward with cautious optimism, taking a day and a step at a time. It has been a bumpy ride, but one that we would repeat for our little guy, to have the same end result. We don’t know where the Lord plans to take us with this crazy journey, but we are very hopeful. It has changed my life for the better and given us a greater appreciation for all that we are blessed with. It’s a good thing that time heals a lot of things. This is not to say that we don’t have our down days. We are nervous and scared (fearful that the rug could be pulled from beneath us again) with the arrival of Payton’s CT scan and MRIs, as the results will determine the course our family will take over the next three months; either continued recovery or more intense “rescue treatment”. Of course we will always be fearful of long-term side effects. However, at some point you just have to get back to living your life, no matter how much everything has changed. I have also learned more about what I can do for others when they might be going through a crisis and how I might be of help.

So we did it! I can’t believe it’s been a year. I want to enjoy each moment of today just being thankful. I want to reflect on all the positive ways that cancer has changed my family’s life and I want Payton to know how truly brave and courageous that he his. I want him to know that he will always have a special place in our hearts. I want him to know how special he is to our family and I want him to know how many other lives he has changed by showing his bravery and his Christ like example. I want Savannah to know that she is just as brave and I love her just as much and am so proud of her as well. I want to thank Chad for the strength and wisdom which he showed me throughout this. I want to thank our family and friends for your unconditional continued support of love and concern, for getting us through this rough year. Love you all.