Contemplating...

I’ve been contemplating a lot today as I watched Payton play outside… I was thinking about how blessed I was to be able to watch him play. I feel like I have been given a second chance at life…I feel like throughout this journey we have been through that it has given me patience, understanding and compassion. I often wonder if I would be the person that I am today if I hadn’t been through the trials that I was faced with. I love being a mom to my two sweet kids…Lately Payton has been a bit of a handful since I believe he is finally going through some of the stages that me missed while going through treatment. I have such a soft heart for him that it helps me get through the rough days. I still think about Payton’s cancer all the time. I contemplate everyday to why some kids make it and some don’t. I still worry every day if the cancer will ever return. I still worry about all the little kids we came in contact with at Cook’s. I believe that it makes me live in the moment more and helps me to be more understanding. I hate that I still think about this on a daily basis…I hate that I still have this fear that lives inside of me and never leaves. I hate the anxiety that this causes me and the stress that it has put on me. Would I change it all? Would I change the person that it’s helped me become? I don’t know that answer…all that I know is that I will move on the best that I can. I will enjoy every day that I have with my loved ones and have faith in the Lord that he knows what’s best. Anyway, I’m rambling on but just wanted to put down some of my thoughts. I really hope that my kids do know how much I love them…They are everything to me and so is my family. Live in the moment…Enjoy the small simple things in life and have no regrets.