Payton's Results...

We met with Dr. Bowman on Friday to receive the results of Payton’s Thursday scans. Payton’s CT scan showed clean but his MRI showed the same spot on his liver which we saw back in December. The spot has grown from 8 mm to 10mm. It is growing slow but still worries Dr. Bowman since it is growing. Dr. Bowman contacted Dr. Miller a surgeon at Cook’s and discussed the option of taking Payton in for surgery to try and remove it as well as a piece of his liver. Dr. Miller has agreed to do the surgery and we are waiting for a call from him on Monday to set up a consultation and surgery date within the next two weeks. Disappointed, Nervous, Numb, Sad, Angry, would be words to describe how I have been feeling. I am trying to keep it together in hopes that it is benign. We do have it in our favor that there is only 1 and that it is slow growing. If only I can keep it together until we can go in for surgery and get some results.

Payton's 2 year after treatment scans...

Today was Payton’s 2 year after treatment CT/MRI Scans. I can hardly believe that it has been 2 years since we finished up with his treatment. I was thinking to myself as I was getting ready to head to Cook’s this morning how much Payton has changed over the past two years. Payton has grown up so much and this was the first scans that I could actually talk to him about the day. I told Payton about how we were going to go to the hospital to get his pictures today. Up to this point I have just had to drive to the hospital and let him find out what he was doing when we got there since he would always get really scared. This morning I was able to get up and explain to Payton that he couldn’t eat or drink anything until after he received his pictures, he replied “OK, Mom.” I was thinking wow, how much he has changed since this all started. We got to the hospital and Payton walked into the CT scan room and said all grown up “I will take the picture, but you need to tell that crazy guy not to talk to me and tell me to hold my breath.” I never realized why the CT scan was scary to him until today. They have an intercom in the machine and they talk to him through it and it was scaring him. I am thinking to myself that I am so glad that he is finally at the age that he can communicate to me and tell me how he is feeling. It really helped make the day much smoother. Our wait for Payton’s MRI was long since they brought a girl in by ambulance that needed an MRI and she got placed in front of Payton. Payton did really well up to that point, but then he had a little melt down because he was so hungry. I had asked the anesthesiologist to give him the ‘giggle juice’ and he replied that he doesn’t usually give it or recommend it. At that point I said ok. Then when he was trying to put him under he turned to me and said he is fighting this too hard next time you need to give him the giggle juice. REALLY! Mothers really know their children best; I wish they would learn to trust us. By the time we got out of the hospital it was 5:00 before Payton could eat. I felt bad for him since I know he was starving. Our Oncology appointment is at 8:00 tomorrow morning and I am stressing and trying to stay calm. Hopefully we will receive great news.

I took the kids to the park last Saturday since the weather is finally starting to warm up a bit. I had one of those awe moments that catch your breath and make you wish that you could freeze that very moment. I was watching Payton run around the park and I was having flash backs of different moments when he was going through treatments. I remembered back to specific times that I wondered what the future would hold for him. I remember wondering if I would be given the chance to see his health return and see him become a normal healthy little boy again. I was thinking about all this and then Payton turned to me and said “Mom, I just want to stay here and play with my friends a little longer.” The tears rolled down my face as I felt so grateful and lucky to have him say that to me. It hurts sometimes when I hear and read about so many kids that he went through treatment with that lost their life to cancer. I think all the time about why I still get to hold my little boy and watch him run and play and why so many other parents are grieving. It hurts. This has humbled me in my life and helped me to realize what is most important, because none of us know how much time we have here on earth or a full understanding to why so many of us face different challenges.

It has been a bit of a struggle for me over the past 3 months since Payton had his CT/MRI in December. I have been trying not to mix faith and fear together. Payton’s MRI and CT scans are this coming Thursday. Payton has had 2 Ultra Sounds after they found the questionable spot on his liver in December and has not yet had another CT/ MRI. I find my mind wandering at times and wondering if just maybe they just couldn’t see the spot on the Ultra Sound and what would happen if they see it again. What a struggle this has been for me and it seems like every day I have to remind myself that I cannot mix faith and fear together. I am grateful that I have a loving Heavenly Father that is aware of my challenges and is very tender and merciful. I am grateful for the help that I have been given because I know without a doubt I never would have gotten to this point alone. I am grateful for challenges because it makes me who I am today. I feel so much love for my two wonderful children. I am so grateful for the chance I have to raise them and watch them grow. I guess I need some of these constant reminders to help remind me what matters most in life.